Today is a beautiful day.
The sun is shinning, the cloudless sky reflects what I believe are a multitude of hues from that sapphire throne where my King sits.
Far in the distance… some clouds.
It lurks in the background waiting for an opportunity to pounce – familiar pain that’s become so constant that its more comfortable than being pain-free. It feels more safe to hide in the dark with the steadiness of depression and grief than it is to live in the light. It feels so close, those dark clouds
– but something has changed; something is different.
I am not who I was then.
As crazy as this sounds, healing is a challenge.
Due to some faulty disks, a few muscles defected and decided to go AWOL. Others had to pick up the slack causing significant issues. I had surgery to correct the problem and then it was back to basic training to relearn how to function properly. My body was defaulting to the weaker muscles that weren’t supposed to support the weight of my big head. Even moving my shoulders into certain positions was awkward because the wrong muscles were triggered with movement. Folks, there was chaos and confusion – I’m talkin some serious tofu v’bohu happening in my neck and shoulders!
After about six weeks of hard, painful work… me whining, funky tape stuck everywhere, tennis balls in weird places and dancing to the YMCA song while lying on my stomach, my muscles were FINALLY starting to understand that the problem was over. The weaker-by-design muscles were able to do their part and the stronger-by-design muscles donned some extra tissue gear and went on their merry way doing their proper thang.
Spiritually and mentally I’ve been through a quite similar process. For a season I was completely shut down feeling totally broken and lifeless and didn’t want to keep trying. Pain was gigantic, dark was REALLY dark and hopelessness was my song. My friend and I work with one another’s issues. She’s better at it than me, she pressed in big time on my behalf and I got some massive freedom.
For years of seasons on and off, I would be free and then not free. The dark clouds that followed me since my childhood were always there and always able to pull me back just as I’d gained a smidgen of ground.
Not this time. Not anymore.
This time I could feel it trying and very simply, I knew. The problem is over and I can finally live without wanting to die. I FINALLY understood.
In the book of John it says, “1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.”
Our human spirit is created in His image and His likeness. He formed us as light. We are made up of light just as He is. The crux of who we are is light. A day will come when these bodies will die, but this light in me, my spirit, will live forever.
When G-d was creating us, He said, “It is good.” WO-to-the-freaking-W!
Everything in our culture seems to disagree with the Uncreated King. The world says, “You’re not enough, you’re less than. You should like this or that.” It says, “If only you had been born a girl” or “If only you’d been born a boy!” It says, “You are just sort of homely, nothing special.”
The world is standing on judgement against G-d and when we come into agreement with them believing things like, “Yes, I’m an idiot, I’m not worth anything, I’ll never be anything, I am bad.” we are agreeing and in essence saying, “Almighty G-d, you did not do a good job in creation. I think it should have been done this way and since my ways are better than yours and my opinion higher than yours.I choose to believe what created beings, including myself have decided I am and should be .”
Being a worshipper, or so I thought – this truth rattled me to the core. The light of G-d has been shed abroad in my heart and now I see, albeit dimly and in part.
How could I believe that? How could I believe that what He said wasn’t true? After all, I claimed to believe the Bible; I claimed to know and love Him. How could I love Him and reject Him at the same time? Oh Father, forgive me for rejecting You and rejecting your love and truth because I felt that I shouldn’t! Forgive me for choosing darkness and death because it was more comfortable in a sick sort of way. Forgive me for choosing the easy way of remaining in my place of pain and believing the lies of the enemy and placing them ahead of Your Truth! If Jesus valued me enough to lay down His life for me, to suffer as He did – for me, how could I reject a love like that? So pure, so kind, so …like You. It’s almost too much for me, far too much for the smallness of my mind to comprehend.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found
was blind but now I see!
– written by a man who got it – we all should read this guy’s story!
I choose to agree with the G-d who made me in His image and in His likeness, that He has made me good. I reject the voices of my culture that tell me I am anything less that what He has said and that my life does not matter. THIS is worship that needs no music to it.
My King, this yet another public declaration that YOU are Truth and YOU are Light and You are Life and I believe YOU. Your thoughts are not my thoughts and Your ways are not my ways, oh G-d, teach me Your ways. I celebrate You, I celebrate Your ways and Your thoughts. I celebrate Your gifts, the treasures You placed in me – because You have placed treasure in me. I celebrate it and can hardly wait to unwrap the next… and the next…and the next.
Desk quote somewhere read, “May my life be so intertwined with Yours that when something moves Your heart, I feel the quake in mine.”
SO, dear reader, who are you?